Does a Momma's Heart Ever Heal?
 |
It started with this:
This definitely hit a nerve, because this has been me most of my life, but especially since becoming a mom. It is, in fact, why I spent two years in therapy trying to "de-program" myself. Then, I noticed the commonality as I read down the thread and realized that it was all the moms saying, "THIS IS ME!!"
The problem is this... I've been a "worrier" ever since I can remember. When I had my kids, of course, I constantly worried about their health and safety. I checked them in their cribs several times each night. I worried when they were in a car traveling with others. All of these are the seemingly harmless, and understandable concerns of a caring parent. However, as my kids grew up, so did my anxiety. I've discussed before some of the life events that I believe triggered it - anxiety is highly related to trauma and loss (more about that a bit later). Unfortunately, all of that anxiety became completely focused on the kids, their lives, and their plans for the future. Thankfully, I reached out for help; The timing of that help literally saved my relationships, not just with my kids, but with my husband, too, as well as several other friends and family members.
Back to that part about anxiety being related to trauma and loss. Now, keep in mind that neither of those has to be severe in order for someone's anxiety to be triggered. Going through a trauma or any kind of loss; a death, divorce, a move... really, anything that shakes the foundation of life as you know it, can trigger that anxiety. For example; the death of my father. Dad was my rock for 46 years. He was there for me in so many ways, and he was always there... to help out, to talk about things, to visit with, to travel with... until suddenly he wasn't. World rocked, foundation shattered. My brain learned that everything I had been able to count on I could no longer count on. Then, my brain started to doubt everything, and then, to attempt to protect itself and me from further trauma, it tried to control everything. And thus, anxiety is about control. We want to make life happen the way we want it to happen, because life has let us down and been unkind, and we didn't like it. And we don't want to fall prey to that ever again.
Now, I want you to know, that before I had this figured out, it got to the point where I simply couldn't enjoy my life, because my days were so consumed with worry. It took me saying out loud, "I don't want to live my days like this any more" for me to realize that I had to get help with it. I desperately wanted to live my life, have fun, feel joy, and feel carefree. Even more, I wanted the time that I spent with my kids to be happy time, rather than supervise-their-lives time. Example: I wanted to be able to relax and enjoy family time at Thanksgiving, but instead, my mindset was, "I can't relax and enjoy because they have to go back to school and take finals, and I have to make sure they go back and do what they need to do." I mean, perhaps I'm letting too much out of the bag, here. It sounds pretty crazy. But that's the point. It was pretty crazy, and I just started out an over worried mom, like many of you.
It really is no good blaming... it doesn't matter who, or what is at fault for, or is the cause of your problems and worries. All that matters is that you do what you need to do to get your life back. The healing may mean that you go to therapy, or find an effective medicine, or develop an excellent self care routine... whatever heals you, that's what you have to do. And I'm telling you, once you do get your life back, and you feel joy again, and have fun, and never even think about planning for the worst... you will never regret any work that you had to put in to get there.
This definitely hit a nerve, because this has been me most of my life, but especially since becoming a mom. It is, in fact, why I spent two years in therapy trying to "de-program" myself. Then, I noticed the commonality as I read down the thread and realized that it was all the moms saying, "THIS IS ME!!"
Next, there was a conversation that I had with the mom of one of my students. I happen to be talking to this young lady about her worries, and helping her with coping skills. In discussing our personal experiences, this momma told me, "I was never an anxious person, until I had my daughter." Another social media response to a mother's worry post questioned, "Does a momma's heart ever heal?" I'll tell you, this makes my heart heavy, but I get it. I understand it, I feel it, and I'm just so sad that other people are living it, too.
The problem is this... I've been a "worrier" ever since I can remember. When I had my kids, of course, I constantly worried about their health and safety. I checked them in their cribs several times each night. I worried when they were in a car traveling with others. All of these are the seemingly harmless, and understandable concerns of a caring parent. However, as my kids grew up, so did my anxiety. I've discussed before some of the life events that I believe triggered it - anxiety is highly related to trauma and loss (more about that a bit later). Unfortunately, all of that anxiety became completely focused on the kids, their lives, and their plans for the future. Thankfully, I reached out for help; The timing of that help literally saved my relationships, not just with my kids, but with my husband, too, as well as several other friends and family members.
The quote above, though: "...just so I'm mentally prepared when stuff goes wrong." It's faulty thinking. It's faulty thinking, because when your anxiety is out of control, it's random and chaotic, it is definitely not preparing you for anything. Anxiety itself is about control. We are attempting to will something not to happen. I started to believe that if I wasn't worrying about, and trying to navigate my kids through one of their problems, then I wasn't helping, and I wasn't doing my job as a parent. As if thinking and worrying about something constantly is the way to make it not happen. Anxiety is when you are freaking out about something bad maybe, perhaps, one day, happening, and obsessing over that thing, until it either happens or it doesn't. And here's the truth: when it does happen, you figure it out and get through it, and getting through it is not in the least bit facilitated by that worst-case-scenario thinking.
Again, the truth is that we can't control any of it, and trying is often extremely destructive. One of the responses to the post that started this whole discussion, was made by a very wise friend of mine who has it figured out.
As a result of everything that I put myself through, I've started to try to get my kids - who all have a little bit of the anxiety gene - to get it all figured out while they are young, so that they can actually enjoy their lives. And I say again;
Finally. Finally, I have reached a place where I know that everything is figureoutable, and I try, all the time, to reassure my kids of this. No matter what goes wrong, and plenty will go wrong, there is so very little that we can't figure out (yes, there are some worst case scenarios, some situations that can't be fixed but that's a whole different conversation). Think about all of those bad times that you have endured, and eventually figured out, survived, and likely, thrived. When you truly understand this one little fact of life, you will be able to relax and let it happen, and you will feel how beautiful life really is.
So, yes, a momma's heart can heal - but momma might need to put in some time. Not that we're not used to that. Please, please, please, take care of you 💖
I like that quote about our healing being our own responsibility. I will keep that in my hip pocket and remind myself of it. Thanks for writing great stuff and always having something that pretty much any of us can apply to our lives.
ReplyDelete