I Can See Clearly Now...

 

It's my birthday today.  I'm 54.  

I love the picture above.  I took it last week after a not-so-good training run.  It's unedited, unfixed.  It shows all the grey hairs, the wrinkles, and the old skin.  It shows how I looked after I was defeated by my own overconfidence.  And yet, it's one of my favorite selfies to date. 

I guess I've reached that part of life when birthdays make me feel a little pensive and wistful.  Additionally, the covid year has been particularly difficult for all of us in varying ways.  I feel like this year has aged me considerably, not just my appearance, but my heart and soul as well. As much as I hate to admit it, I've been heard lamenting about looking my age. My middle daughter, who is too emotionally intelligent for her (or my) own good, clapped back at me once, "well, you are your age so it's perfectly fine to look it." (She has a knack for forcing me to look in the mirror and come to terms with myself and aaaallllllll of my flaws.)

I'm not a "glory days" kind of person.  I've never really looked back and yearned for old times.  I suppose I'm very privileged to be able to say that my life has just continued to improve over the years, and I have just continued to become happier.  I do love this quote from Ingrid Bergman, but I would add that the view is not only better, but much clearer as we get older.  I guess that as we experience more life - the good, the bad, and the ugly - our sense of our life's meaning and purpose becomes clearer... and when we are living with intention, we naturally feel more satisfaction.  

Generally speaking, the "life advice" that is handed out through blogs and articles tends to be a little shallow and trite.  As we age, we seem to have some sort of drive to impart our wisdom on the younger set, most often without being asked. I haven't been asked, either, but here are some of those shallow and trite pieces of advice that have taken on more depth and meaning as I have evolved in to middle age.

"Know thyself," quoth Aristotle.  Great advice; easier suggested than accomplished.  Certainly, when you have a deep understanding of your own psyche, you are far more capable of making wise decisions that positively affect your life's course.  You are capable of being more intentional about directing your life towards fulfillment.  Getting to know yourself really well takes a lot of time and introspection. Even so, I've known many young people who have excellent insight, which allows them to make good decisions, and cope with life's difficulties.  On the other hand, I've also known plenty of older folks who have developed precious little insight. 

It is what it is. Not actual advice, but a very overused saying...  Also one of my dad's classic quotables.  The more that I've considered this verbal shrug, the more I have found it to be an anti-anxiety mantra.  In her book, Loving What Is, Byron Katie suggests that most of our stress and anxiety is caused by "arguing with what is" (reality).  Take a moment to think about this.  It's true, our most stressful moments occur when we are trying desperately not to accept our difficult or unpleasant realities... to change the course, somehow, and make it not be that.  Once you accept the reality of a situation, you can relax into it and then, perhaps, start to cope more effectively.  This worked like a charm for me, as I began the process of overcoming severe anxiety, and in fact led to my basic belief that everything is figureoutable. 

Stay in your lane.  This is the conversation that happened at our house after every swim meet:

Jimmy:  Did you have fun?

Kid: Yeah

Jimmy:  Did you stay in your lane?

Kid: Yeah

Jimmy:  Did the lifeguard have to pull you out?

Kid:  Nah

Jimmy: A successful day at the pool!!

"Stay in your lane" sounds so very simple, but it's SO important, and it does not just apply to swimming or running.  When we are in other peoples' business, and out of our own business (another Byron Katie concept), we are not being authentic to ourselves, we are losing touch with our own priorities, and we are increasing our own stress and anxiety, as well as that of others. Worst case scenario, being in someone else's business can totally destroy a relationship, as I was in danger of finding out with my adult children.  (I am exceedingly grateful that they allowed me to start over...)

Speaking of staying in your lane, What other people think of you is none of your business." I'll say that again for the people in the back:  What other people think of you is none of your business.  Do you know why you feel so crappy when you catch wind of the negative things that people think about you?  Because you can't control what people think about you.  Neither can you change or fix what they think about you. Other peoples' ideas, impressions and opinions about who you are and what you do are theirs and theirs alone.  Other people base their ideas, impressions, and opinions of you on their own life experiences, and their own unique view of their world.  They do not know or understand anything about your experiences or your unique view of your world.  This is super hard to recognize, and super hard to adopt as part of your inner script.  One of the hardest things about this is that as much as you have no control over what someone thinks of you, you also have no control over whether they express those thoughts. Sometimes you are simply bombarded and forced to deal with those opinions - that aren't yours, and over which you have no control and no means to rectify.  An effective conversation to have with yourself, then, is as follows... ask yourself:

Am I living authentically regarding my personal priorities and values?

Am I satisfied with the decisions that I make and how I manage my relationships?

When I am displeased with myself, do I act to fix the issues and to make amends?

Can I admit when I'm wrong, and reverse course?

At the end of the road, will I regret this decision/behavior?

That other person is completely responsible for, and accountable to their own feelings about you. It's their job to sort them out. It's none of your business. If you are at peace with who you are and how you conduct your life, then stay at peace. If you are not, then do what you need to do to be at peace.

*** I don't think that you have to be aged to be wise.  I do think that you have to have been taught, or have developed a sense of authenticity and personal accountability.  I attempt to introduce these philosophies in my counseling with kids - even the younger ones can get it.  Indeed, some of them have shown me the way, and I am forever grateful.  

Take care of them. Take care of you.  💖