I'm On My Way

This could be long, it could be short.  I'm not really sure what I'm doing, and I'm not really sure where I'm going with this.  For the last several months, I've not been writing regularly, and I've not been writing for myself or from my heart... I've been writing (or not writing) with the needs of others in mind. There's a very specific reason for this, and the reason isn't pretty, and it's not self nurturing.  I won't go into it further than that, but I just want you to know that even when something shitty happens, it's an opportunity to look inside, dig deep, and decide what you want out of a situation.  I'm not trying to be overly positive or Pollyanna-ish (just one of my toxic traits), I'm just being real.  I get a kick out of figuring things out and making things better.  For myself.  I get a kick out of helping myself back up the mountain after spending some time at the bottom. 

But, writing is fun for me.  And it's good.  I learn things and then I get to share them.  I share the blog because I like to tell people what I've been thinking about, or tell them what the kids have taught me, or tell them something cool that I came to realize. I also write to preserve my thoughts.  I may want to refer back to them some day. Believe me, I don't share because I want to tell other people how to live their lives.  I've got me to worry about.  You do you.  

Sometimes, though, someone will write to me and tell me that they enjoyed the blog, or that something made them laugh, or helped them reconsider a situation in their own life.  That is the big stuff for me. I love that people can relate to my journey.  I love that my words potentially help someone to think about things in a new way, or help them to make it through a difficult day. That's why I share.  Because at the very least, exposing my own flaws and vulnerabilities might help someone to understand that they aren't the only one.  We're all a tiny bit crazy, if not more.  We have to fly the flag proudly.  

So in the month or so before Christmas, I made some pretty remarkable self discoveries.  It was awesome to have that experience, and folks, knowledge truly is power.  When armed with knowledge about yourself, you can really affect change like never before. At the risk over over-sharing, I will not bore you with the details, but if you are interested to know what's been going on, send me a message or come see me, I will gladly chat with you. I found that I wanted to shout all of this info from the rooftops, I felt so liberated!  And, do you know why I didn't?  Because I was concerned that some people would be annoyed by my sharing. I was not worried about what they would think of me and my "issues," I was worried that they would roll their eyes at another blog post. That's it. Do you realize how screwed up that is?  That I don't do something that I love to do, because there might be someone out there who is annoyed by that something?  Good gracious!!

Thus began yet more introspection and processing.  The New Year was on the horizon and I started to think about my personal goals, my intentions, and honestly, whether to even bother setting them. I kept circling back to my disappointment (in myself) that I had held myself back because of the possible opinions of others. And then my inner voice kept repeating:

The decision was made right then and there.  That's going to be my intention... I'll be letting go of the perceived opinions that bring me down, and letting go of making decisions based on those opinions.  I'll be doing things that are good for me, things that help me to grow, things that make me happy.  As trite as that may sound, it's happiness that we are all seeking.  Happiness and fulfillment.  I will be over here doing my things. If there are other people doing their things, and those things bother or annoy me, that's my deal and what I think of them is none of their business.  I'm free to scroll. 

I don't always know what I'm doing.  I am finally starting to know myself.  I'm figuring things out; what makes me happy, and what I am no longer willing to tolerate.  I'm on my way. 💖