To Infinity and Beyond

 

And, what a summer it was.  People ask me, "how was your summer?"  And I don't know how to answer.  I can't gleefully exclaim, "great!" because it wasn't.  But, it wasn't awful either.  Summer was everything you'd expect it to be when your family is traveling together through transition.  We had joy, stress, laughter, tension, frustration, happiness, tenderness, exhaustion, fear... we experienced all of it.  Weddings, travel, adventure, vacations, moves, and the logistics of keeping my mum contented and safe through it all.  And we did it.  Together, we did it.  

Then, as the new school year approached, I found myself frozen and unable (unwilling?) to step out of my family organizer and caregiver role, and back into my "normal" roles as wife, mother, friend, counselor. After several months of forced family fun, and, to be honest, total chaos, I wasn't sure I could face my own high expectations of a new school year.  For days after moving the girls to Virginia, I spent as much time at home and alone as I possibly could, simply craving stillness and silence. 

Having been a student and an educator, and starting new school years for fifty out of my fifty-five years, I've placed incredibly high expectations on the new beginnings each year. For sure, I always enjoy the excitement and the annual permission to start over, make new goals, and reinvent myself. But, wow.  That's a lot of starting over, and a lot of reinvention.

As it turns out, I've had the happiest, most productive start to the school year that I can remember in several years.  I confess that I've had some rather pessimistic thoughts over the past couple of weeks.... As I begin my 32nd year, how can any of this feel new and exciting??  Isn't this all more like "Groundhog Day"? Same old, same old, with (maybe) different theories, charts, and acronyms? BUT then I got back together with my pals, and enjoyed reconnecting with my colleagues, and it all made me indescribably happy.  AND THEN THE KIDS SHOWED UP, all full of anticipation and excitement, and how can that not affect us? How can we not be energized by their excitement and positivity? 

"Starting over is nothing more than recognizing the pause," says author, Molly M. Cantrell-Kraig.  I like that.  Summer break was my "pause."  Sort of.  My pause from school, at least.  Then, without working myself up, I can acknowledge the pause, consider all of its beauty and awfulness, and move forward through the cycle, into another academic year.  

As I contemplated all of this, I decided that, perhaps life is not a time line, but more a lemniscate - the infinity symbol: less about beginnings and endings, and more about continuity, balance, transformation, and regeneration. With this philosophy, I don't have to grieve the ending of summer and family time, because I know that life will ebb and flow, twist and curve, and meander back again eventually.

 If you are meandering back to a new or familiar routine, and you feel sad or regretful about leaving something behind, know that you are not alone.  There are more who feel this way than you might imagine.  Try to find a more comforting perspective, and always remember to take care of you.  💖