A Collection of Thoughts - April to November, 2023
Forgiveness, Scars, and the Separation of Church and State
Some excellent kid quotables this week:
A parent requested that I speak to a first grader about how to deal with being bullied after some incidents at the Boys’ and Girls’ Club. We chatted for a minute about the situation and then I asked him, “have you told your mom and dad about all of this?”
Kid: yes, bofe o’ dem.
Me: And, what did they say about it?
Kid: They tode me to be mean back. But I dint.
Me: No?
Kid: No. Becod I not mean. I nice.
Me: You are very nice. So, what did you do?
Kid: I forgaved them.
Talking to 4th grade about what to do to manage emotions when things go wrong. I explain that even when things seem to be going wrong all the time, or when you are going through a bad time in your life, eventually the bad fades and gives way to better times.
Kid: No it doesn’t go away.
Me: Bad times go away eventually, everything is temporary.
Kid: No it’s not, what about when you get a scar from it? The scar doesn’t go away.
Me: Excellent point, but the scar does fade. It doesn’t go away but it fades and eventually it doesn’t hurt anymore. And scars can serve as good reminders of how you have made it through and survived, scars can help you remember how strong you can be when things are tough.
Reading to 5th grade and this particular part of the book talks about what the family is doing to celebrate Christmas. A character in the book compares his presents to “the gifts of the magi.” I ask the kids what is meant by that:
Kids: Toys? Food?
Me: nope, really you never heard of that?
Kids: Games, Cookies?
Me, trying to carefully navigate the Church/State boundary: Nooooo, it has to do with… the… Christmas story…??
Kid, excited to have the answer: Ooh, ooh! A red Ryder BB gun!!!!!
Me: 
Ok moving on.
Ok moving on. Because our family life has become “a series of unfortunate events” lately, I’ve had to tune in to my own lessons on how to emotionally manage through difficult times. One of my most often tools is humor, so the picture quote below has been used frequently, but with tongue in cheek, because my family tends to roll their eyes at my brightsiding.
Because our family life has become “a series of unfortunate events” lately, I’ve had to tune in to my own lessons on how to emotionally manage through difficult times. One of my most often tools is humor, so the picture quote below has been used frequently, but with tongue in cheek, because my family tends to roll their eyes at my brightsiding.
Even in the midst of her cohabitation with dementia, my mum is the strongest and most capable, most resilient person I know. The worst part about this stage of her disease is that she knows that something is wrong with her “mental state,” but she doesn’t understand it. Still, she continues to give 100 percent every single day. She continues to try to find ways to “feel better,” even when she is scared and doesn’t understand why she doesn’t “feel like herself.”
A Few Thoughts on Grace
Loving the Now
We Are Nature
Honor Your Place
We are products of our experiences. Mum grew up in the middle of WWII. She remembers her father being ridiculed for his facial disfigurements - acquired through pure heroism in The Great War. She was by her father in law’s side as he passed away in her dining room. She left her barely adult sons, her family and all of her friends to move to another country after years of financial distress. She started a new career in her fifties. She survived the death of her best friend and life partner, her husband of 57 years, and learned to be a thriving single lady in her 80’s.
Every time Mum went through hard times, she pushed back and became even stronger and more amazing, she came back every single time to love life even more.
Adversity doesn’t build character, it reveals character. My mum has been that curious, strong, determined, life loving person since she was a child heading down to the air raid shelters in the middle of the night.
Hard times don’t last, but be assured we will all have to endure many of them. The thing about my mum is that she is no different from any of us. She was just a normal kid, a regular wife and mother, a typical retiree. Hard times have peeled away the layers to reveal the adorable, sing~to~nature old lady that you see on my social media.
You have it too, that resilience. Always remember your power. Take care of you.
Grace.” It’s my word of the year. Grace, by the way, for those who may struggle to conceptualize the term, as I sometimes do, is basically a “considerate goodwill” that we show to others and ourselves across all circumstances. I think it’s especially important to show grace when we notice that we are becoming inclined to judge.
There Will be an Answer
I loved the quote below: “We judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions.” How true that is! I wonder why that would be?
Because WE DON’T KNOW the intentions of others. We only know our own. It’s easier to show grace when we know the intention behind the action - when we know that “their heart was in the right place.”
Lots of change and stress in our house right now, and Jimmy and I both made our share of unforced errors this week. Without seeking the intentions we were quick to judge, not just each other but ourselves as well. Bet you can guess how that went.
So, grace. If you don’t know the intention, then just develop the habit of assuming that their heart was in the right place. Voila! Grace.
There Will be an Answer
My dad’s most oft used saying as he referred to the difficulties we experience in life was, “it is what it is.” This has become something of a family motto, spoken with the understanding that sometimes there’s nothing you can do but leave things alone and let life happen, trusting that there is an answer somewhere.
My brother, Anthony, was always a big fan of The Beatles. He and his wife, Sue, recently took a day and toured the childhood homes of Paul McCartney and John Lennon.
On the tour, Ant learned that Paul and Mike McCartney lost their mother at a young age. Her name was Mary. The song, “Let it Be,” was written for and about her, honoring the wisdom she imparted to her boys before she died.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Ant described an emotional moment as he recognized this “echo,” reverberating back to his hours spent listening to Lennon and McCartney on the family hi-fi system, and the words of wisdom imparted by our own parents.
Life is The Great Teacher. We will all, at some point, find ourselves in times of trouble. Maybe we could listen quietly and hear our own words of wisdom suspended in the echoes.
Loving the Now
One of my 5th grade sweeties was shook yesterday when she realized that I am a year older than her grandmother. 
For me, the passage of time is surreal. I have no idea how I am in year 33 of my career at SMASD, nor how I am in the 57th year of my life. Time races by.
I was never one to long for the glory days. I think that’s because I never want to endure all the hard times over again - I’m satisfied with the insight gained. I was guilty, however, of sacrificing the joy of the present while I “couldn’t wait” for the next stage… When I meet The One, when I get married, when we have our own home, when we have a baby, another baby, complete our family… can’t wait til we can do more with the kids, can’t wait til we can leave them alone and go for dinner…and so on. It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s when I finally paused, and finally understood that living today fully, enjoying today, loving what is in this current stage of my life, is the key to loving life.
I finally realized, hey, this is it! You are living the life you longed for, have fun with it!
Don’t worry about getting older; every stage is the best one yet as far as I can see (with the exception of my mom’s stage because that stinks). Try loving what is. It may not be what you planned it to be, but every experience goes towards creating the person you are meant to be.
Taking the Time to Choose
I’ve lived a very blessed life, the hard times have been few. That’s not to say I’ve avoided stressful times all together, and I’d have to say that the past nine months have been among my most stressful ever - partnered with moving to another country when I was in 8th grade, and losing my dad suddenly.
But, today, my son and daughter-in-law will find out the gender of their baby, and today, I’m choosing to celebrate. To the best of my ability, I’ll put the burdens aside and make myself fully present for the fun and joy that this day will bring. I can’t wait to learn more about the little one who will be overflowing our hearts in a few short months.
I tell the kids that the fun part of doing the work to stay emotionally healthy, is that you get to choose and do things that bring you joy, and sooner or later, you’ll do it without feeling the need to reason or explain your choice - like Miss Benjamin putting Christmas Decorations up on November 1st. It makes her happy, and it also made my day to walk into her room and feel that atmosphere!
“Your wound may not be your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.” I use this quote on myself all the time. You deserve healing and recovery. You deserve to be well. Most of the time, though, it will take some time and effort. And you won’t regret one minute of the time you spend nurturing yourself. Take care of you.
We Are Nature
Just as each of us has their own unique finger print, so does each tree have its own unique design of rings hidden within its trunk. The intricate system of blood vessels and bronchial tubes in our lungs look exactly like winter tree branches. Our yearly calendar and system of time; months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds, is synched with the phases of the moon, as is the human fertility cycle, as are the ocean tides.
We are intricately and perfectly connected. Our relationship to the earth is symbiotic.
When I first came to terms with, and understood that I was cohabiting with old traumas, grief, and anxiety, I started to notice that when we would go hiking, I would feel instantly at peace as I climbed out of the car and onto the trail. Thus began my exploration of how to care for myself in order to heal from all the pain that society and “civilized” life has inflicted.
It’s no coincidence that as we move out of the forests and into cities that the human brain starts to struggle and stress. In becoming “civilized,” we have created an existence that quite literally sucks the life right out of us. Think about it - we were created to live in the wild, among the trees and the critters who, again quite literally, breathe life into us.
Is it any wonder that with each passing year (month? Week? Day?) we seem to be watching helplessly as our kids fight against us and even against themselves? Is it any wonder that the more “connected” we are, with and through technology, the less grounded and peaceful we ate?
Because as we lose our connection with nature, we are, in fact, losing our connection with ourselves. We are nature.
Honor Your Place
I’ve now attended three arial yoga classes and I’m in love. It’s harder than I imagined it would be, more uncomfortable, and requires a lot more strength. During my second class I was watching in amazement as the instructor turned, climbed, twisted, and tumbled, and I exclaimed out loud, “I’m so jealous!”
She replied,
“Hey. Honor your place. I worked hard to get to my place.”
For real, though.
Honor your place. Be present in your current situation and honor it for all that it gives to you. Do you wish that you had a different job? That your toddler was more independent? That you had gone to college? Do you have regrets about things that you’ve said, or the way that you’ve handled disagreements? Do you feel lonely in your empty nest? Have you failed at something and feel like you’re at rock bottom?
If you feel you need to be somewhere else, there is time to get there, but honor your space. Every decision, experience, relationship brought you to where you are. You wouldn’t be you if you weren’t here. In your place. Breathe it in, and love what is.
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