Self Care Friday Collection - December 2023-May 2024

 Another collection of Self Care Friday emails. 

December 1, 2023:

This week, I just surpassed my goal of reading 40 books in 2023. I listen to most of my books on Audible because, frankly, I fall instantly to sleep as soon as I pick up an actual book. So I listen; in the car, or when I’m out running or walking the dogs. I like to learn when I read so I tend to choose true stories, or stories that are based on true stories, or memoirs. I would not have ordinarily been drawn to a book called “Serenity at 70, Gaiety at 80; Why You Should Keep Getting Older” (by Garrison Keillor), but the word, “serenity” hooked me, and it was on the “included with membership” list. 

I’m not a glory days girl. Some people spend hours, joyfully reminiscing. Not me. I’ve enjoyed every stage of life even more than the prior. If I get to settle in to serenity when I’m in my seventies, I’m all for getting there. This book is fun to read with lots of humor, but on of his quotes stuck with me, as quotes often do:

“I’ve put away the clock, and now I enjoy the time.” 

Time is truly a gift that my life has given to me. It’s a major reason why I’ve truly enjoyed and appreciated my career as an educator. I get to do purposeful and meaningful work, and still have time to live. I’ve never been financially wealthy - my kids were stunned when I told them that we’ve lived paycheck to paycheck our whole lives. Not wealthy financially, but certainly wealthy with time (and love, I’m happy to say)… “Time is the great luxury,” Keillor says. Not huge, beautifully decorated homes, or shiny, expensive cars. 

We have gratefully taken the time that life has offered to us; time to spend growing up with the kids, time spent with our parents and siblings, time to learn new things, time to pursue hobbies and just have fun, time to travel…. time to actually create that work-life balance everyone talks about now. We’ve been so very lucky. 

Don’t take the time for granted. Don’t take those moments for granted. Time is the great luxury. 

December 8, 2023

Before I start this morning, I want to share with you an exchange that I overheard this week that I have not been able to erase from my mind or my heart.This exchange was between two of our younger students: 

1: My sibling died of fentanyl. What was the scariest thing that ever happened to you? 

2: [thinks for a moment] Um, well, this one time, I almost did a face plant on the stairs. 

The playing field, friends, is not level. 

Anyway, it’s Christmas time, and all over the web, articles are popping up, telling us how to have the most memorable Christmas ever in seven easy steps - et cetera. 

I’ve got some years behind me now, and I’m thinking of what I remember from my childhood Christmases… l remember fighting for the biggest soccer sock I could find to put at the end of my bed (no home made Christmas stockings for us). I remember my dad putting up the tree and trying to get it to stand up straight in an old metal pail by wedging rocks around it - and how impatient we would get because we just wanted to decorate it already. I remember my brothers and I all sleeping in the same room so that we could wake up early together and open our stockings if it was still too early to wake up mum and dad. I remember coming home on the last day of school before break and the house smelling like cigarettes, which meant grandma and granddad were finally here. I remember friends coming over on Christmas morning and how much I looked forward to seeing them all every year. I actually remember carolers coming to the door. 

I don’t even remember one big present. I do remember the “wall walkers” that came in our stockings and that we walked them down the walls and doors, woke up mum and dad, and got in trouble. I remember the chocolate oranges we got in our stocking, too. I literally don’t remember any gift making my Christmas the “best ever.” 

Personally, I’m paring down this year. These past months with my mum have worn me down a bit and I want to rest and find peace. My kids will all be home together for about 48 hours so I want to enjoy just being with them and celebrating the time together. I paid off all my credit cards, so I will not be spending more than I have available. 

However, I’m all about doing it your way. If you want to pare down the chaos, find your own ways to do so. If you thrive on the chaos and enjoy every minute of decorating to the hilt, shopping trips, baking, sending in treats for the kids at school - go for it. I say, do the holidays in a way that brings you so much joy. 

In my yoga group last night, our instructor said that all we truly need is food, sleep, and love. I would add movement on to that list, but yeah. But we get to add “wants” to how we spend our holidays. So do it up, have fun, do whatever brings you happiness… just don’t do so much that in the end you are so sapped of energy that you can’t even enjoy the results of your efforts.

 

January 5th, 2024

Happy new year! 

Some of you know that Jimmy and I continued our relatively new tradition of going to my Mum’s place for the New Year. I was really looking forward to it. It’s a beautiful place with running and kayaking opportunities right outside the back door. I was looking forward to peace and quiet, sitting still with my coffee and watching the birds from the window or even on the porch, even a couple of (chilly) kayak trips. You see, although I had lived down there all summer, I was caregiving 24/7 and it was HARD. I was really excited for some true relaxation. 

When I got there all I felt was grief. Sadness, regret, and guilt that we were there without her, and that we had left her at Christ the King Manor with no visitors. It took a good 24 hours for me to understand, to settle in there, and to be ok with it feeling different. You see, with every move forward, there is loss. And with loss, comes grief. 

This is not just with dementia, aging, or death. This grief comes even with positive moves forward: The baby going mobile, the child starting school, going to college, starting a first “grown up” job, marriage, starting a family… and so on. 

Elizabeth Kubler Ross says about loss and grief; “the truth is you will never be the same. Nor should you be. Nor would you want to.” Being at my parents’ home without them will never feel the same. Nor should it be. Nor would I want it to be. But it can, and will, still be good. And we will find new, and different ways for it to be good. 

We can continue in new and beautiful ways. 

January 19th, 2024

I have something of a reputation in our extended family for making people cry. I seem to have a knack for getting to the crux of the issue, I guess. Well, I was up to my old tricks yesterday as, at a support group meeting, I asked the question that led to an emotional outpouring from a lady who has been caring for her husband with dementia BY HERSELF FOR OVER SEVEN YEARS. 

By herself. Seven years. Her husband is non communicative now, and does not know her. She has no one come to help her. I asked to hug her and she clung to me crying, “I don’t get hugs any more.”  Dear Lord, no one should be that alone. 

I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that part of self care is being there for others. Of all the purposes of life, I cannot imagine anything more important. 

Thank you, also. Thank you to those of you who have been there for me in recent months. I sure do appreciate you.  Life is hard. Even when it’s easy, it’s hard, and not just for some of us, for all of us. Stay mindful that everyone is going through something. 

February 9th, 2024

If you've ever lost someone very dear - most of us have - is there a special item, creature, image, situation, that brings your spirit close to theirs?  I know I mentioned last week that a strong connection that I have with my dad is through music and specific songs: Elton John, Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me; Whitney Houston, I Will Always Love You; Tina Turner, Simply The Best; Maroon 5, Daylight (if I told you that story you'd definitely cry); Ray Stevens, The Streak (no story needed, but suffice it to say my Mum's nickname was Ethel for many years.)

Mornings have been tough for me lately.  There's a lot of time to think while I'm out and about, running, and I'm usually ruminating about the stressful things (dementia) rather than the exciting things (becoming a Gamma). This morning was no different, and, as I often do, I found myself looking skyward and asking dad to weigh in.  Like, what does he think of all this?  I know he worried about her memory many years ago. Is he in the know about what's going on? Is he going to help?  Come on, Dad. 

Then, lo and behold, Frank Sinatra comes upon my Amazon music and sings, New York New York...  Dad and I loved Frank Sinatra.  In fact, we went to see him together, twice, while I was in college.  The BEST memories.  My fondest memory of the song, though, is from our wedding.  New York New York was the very last song played at our reception.  All the remaining guests were in a big circle, kicking their legs in unison like they were on Broadway.  Before we knew it, everyone's shoes were in a huge pile in the middle of the circle. Laughter. Smiles. Hugs. Love. Joy. Optimism. 

Boy, did that song playing on my headphones at 6am bring a huge smile to my face and relief to my heart. 

And, if I can make it there,

I'm gonna make it, anywhere,

It's up to you....

Yep, I'm going through a particularly difficult time of life.  So are many of us.  I'll repeat it every day if I need to.  We are all dealing with something, we all have stuff going on that interrupts our days with sadness or negativity. It's part of being human. If we can make it through these moments, we can make it through all the moments.  

February 16th, 2024

While out walking our dogs the other night, Jimmy mentioned his despair over the state of our house: "We've lived there for 20 (21, actually) years and we've done nothing to update it!" And now that he's home, blissfully retired, he is seeing things that he wants to do to the house.  

My first response was that the house is "not that bad."  I recently did a search of homes for sale in our area, thinking that perhaps we could downsize.  I was shocked to discover that there are very few reasonable options - small homes with decent updates, larger homes with no updates - but the LISTING PRICES!!!  Inconceivable! 

Regardless, I rationalized to Jimmy, we live in a comfortable, cozy, safe and sturdy, and generally happy home.  We do not live in a pristine, beautifully decorated house, because instead of spending our money on the house, we've spent it raising three kids and living our life, and we have little debt (and we have dogs). We never took extra jobs in the summer.  Instead, we went on vacations, played at the park, participated in community activities, coached their sports, and grew and learned together as a family. We've done the things we've wanted to do, and bought what we've wanted to buy, but we don't live extravagantly. 

Now, here's a point of interest:  when you dream about a house, it's said that you are dreaming about yourself and your current situation in life. The house is a reflection of you. Perhaps that's why I was mildly offended when Jimmy suggested that our house is not up to par? But thinking about it, I kind of like that my home reflects me... I'm basically well taken care of, but a bit worn down and shabby in places. All the necessary rooms and furnishings are there, and some are in need of some updates - not making any promises, however. I guess that I think my home is also reflective of my priorities: In short, it's been more important for me to have a vibrant, active, joyful life than to be surrounded by perfection. Another priority for me is to live a life that I am satisfied with, and not to be concerned with what I think I don't have when I compare myself to others. 

March 8, 2024

On Monday, March 11th, 2024, I'll be starting my new position as a Gamma.  I KNOW you know I'm excited!! Thinking about it has made me very nostalgic and reflective, I've been thinking about my own childhood and grandparents. I was lucky enough to have all four of my grandparents living until I was ten, and the memories have been absolutely flooding back. 

My dad's parents, Grandma and Granddad, Fanny and David, were the "old fashioned" grandparents. I believe that Fanny was her given name, although I honored her by giving Meghan the middle name, Frances.  David William Collins is mostly how Willie got his name, although that is a story for another time. Grandma and Granddad lived in the same council house that they had lived in their entire married life (a council house is a state subsidized rental). Grandma was a mum, and Granddad was a welder at a brewery, I still have the watch that was given to him at his retirement. Their house was always freezing cold, as they had no central heating system.  They did have a fireplace in every room, so the "front room" was always toasty.  The fireplace was the focal part of the room, and two armchairs sat in front of the fire. Grandma's shins were mottled and scarred from sitting close in front of the fire, wearing a dress, because she never wore pants. The TV, a small black and white, sat way up on a shelf in the corner. We never went out to eat, and the only food I really remember that I loved to eat at Grandma and Granddad's house was canned peaches with evaporated milk. We never went out to eat, but Granddad did enjoy his daily outing to the pub, and I loved to tag along.  We went on the bus, the double decker one, and I always wanted to sit in the very front and pretend to drive. Once at the pub, Granddad would "hide" me in one of the side rooms, telling me that little ones my age were not supposed to be there.  I thought it was an excellent adventure, and happily hid out until Granddad had downed a few pints. The best thing about sleeping at their house was that I got to sleep in my dad's room.  The one that he slept in when he was a kid. There was a big double bed, and huge dressing table, and a brush, comb, and mirror set that fascinated me. There was also a gorgeous down comforter that was "dad's when he was little," and that is now mine, also. Our visits were brief, and we mostly just played in and around the house.  Oh, but how I adored them, and how I could see how deeply they adored each other.  Granddad was the only man I knew who wore a wedding ring.  I asked him about it and he told me, "it's so that everyone can see I belong to your grandma." Jimmy now wears that wedding band, and I wear Fanny's. When it was time to leave, Grandma and Granddad filled our pockets with hard candy, much to the feigned disgust of my mother. 

My mum's parents, Ada and Fred, Nana and Grandpops, were the "modern" grandparents. They lived in a new bungalow, in a new development, a few miles from "Holly Hall," where my mother grew up (she will still ask to go back to Holly Hall when she's agitated). The house had central heat, as well as a modern gas fire and gas stove.  Honestly, the whole place smelled like gas, but that smell meant that we were at Nana and Grandpops's place, usually for Sunday dinner. There was wall to wall carpeting, floor to ceiling curtains, and collectible Royal Doulton flowers and toby jugs adorning the shelves and mantlepiece. Nana and Grandpops had a color TV before we did, and Pops drove a newer Ford Escort. Nana was a school teacher, and one of the few working mothers of her time.  Grandpops was a WWI veteran and part owner of an electrical appliance shop in the village, hence, all the modern conveniences - the radio, record player, and television, especially. Sundays at Nana's house meant a big family get-together with a great uncle and aunt, and my Mum's twin brothers and their families. I have no recollection of how we all fit in the bungalow to sit and eat a meal. Sleepovers at Nana and Grandpops's were great because it was always warm.  I slept in the guest room in a bed that had a headboard, and a reading lamp that hooked over it. Nana would take me to the library so that I could read in bed and use that reading lamp.  I remember getting the book, "Bambi," from the library. Uncle Martin and Auntie Jenny always had dogs, so the greatest treat was to take the dogs for a walk. Nana and Pops were another couple who doted on each other.  They were married well over fifty years, quite a stint for an old injured war vet, and he lasted but months after she died. 

What will our grandkids remember about us 45-50 years from now? We'll be the grandparents from the country: Visits to camp, fishing, and camping, food cooked over the fire. Vacations and travel, hopefully.  Sleepovers in their parents' rooms? Hey, the way things are going at my house, the kitchen will still be the same one their parents baked cookies in . See, but none of that really matters.  The memories will be good ones whether the house is cold or warm, whether the TV is black and white or color (well, maybe not), whether we play in the yard or go on outings, whether it's to the library in a new Ford Escort, or to the pub on the top of a double decker bus, whether it's a big family dinner, or peaches and evaporated milk. Ah, the good old days... THESE are the good old days.  

April 5th, 2024

My son bought his first bird feeder, set it up on the deck, and pointed the Ring camera at it. He sends us photos of the birds - and squirrels - that come to the feeder. While we were visiting over Easter weekend, he made a joke about a sign of age being a new and enthusiastic.  interest in watching and listening to birds. I, myself, use the Merlin Bird ID app on my phone more than any other app, except possibly tiktok . (By the way, the earliest birds this morning were the Robin, song sparrow, and cardinal!)

Let me tell you, do not fear getting older. Do not fear or regret your kids getting older. Every stage of their development is the best yet.  I loved it when they were little and adorable, I loved getting to watch them in concerts and sporting events, I loved hearing about their lives when they went away to school. But boy, I think I love this stage of parenting the most. Hanging out with these decent adult kids of mine, just spending time together and enjoying each other’s company, and yes, loving on their baby… what a joy! 

As parents we’re supposed to teach our kids everything they need to know to go out into the world and thrive. Hopefully we accomplished that, but I’d never have guessed how much I would learn from them. It could even be said that we grew up with them. 

“Lord knows the best thing that I’ll ever do will be growing up raising you.” Gabby Barrett. 

May 9th 2024

I know I want to say something about mothers, but, Glory Be!  My head is swimming with thoughts about mothers after these last 12 months - living with my mum and admitting her to a residential facility, having one of my children move back home after six years of living away, becoming a grandmother and watching my daughter-in-law become a mother, and losing my family's mom, grandma, and mother-in-law. 

I keep coming back to my "no regrets" policy on decision making. Many years ago, when I set up my own home and completely separated from my parents, I started to base my decisions on whether I would be ok with the consequences of that decision "at the end of the road." The main result of this policy has been to help me to respond instead of react.  That is, I (mostly remember to) pause before acting and speaking to make sure I don't do or say something that may cause me to regret the action if I were to never see the recipient of that action again. If I do forget to pause, and the words spill out before they should, I own it and apologize. 

Some examples:

1. Taking a COVID test before going to see our new granddaughter.
2. Not giving someone a piece of my mind when all I wanted to do was give someone a piece of my mind, because I knew that the anger would be short lived but I can't take angry words back. 
3. Setting aside my personal reservations, and loving the people my kids love.
4. Having conversations with my adult kids to make amends for mistakes I made when they were growing up. 
5. Moving my mother into our home, and then moving her out because I realized that I was going to have to prioritize regrets
6. Forgiving both of our mothers.  

I could go on and on. I can remember, on numerous occasions, having to silently remind myself, "noregretsnoregretsnoregrets." 

So, this Mothers' Day will be full of reflection and gratitude, as I celebrate being a daughter, a mother, a grandmother. All is well.

May 31, 2024

My first time out in a kayak this year was to participate in one of Anna's programs at Sinnemahoning State Park.  There is nothing in life quite like watching your child do the thing that they love to do.  Her office is outside, and she couldn't be more at home or at peace there. 

Once she left for college, Anna seldom came home. Once Meg left, we were truly empty nesters, but, as we soon discovered, nothing stays the same way for long.  Parenting duties still existed, and now we were caregiving for our moms, too. Busy.  Busy, but good, especially when we got to spend time with the adult kids. Adult kids are great to visit.  Then sometimes, they move home. 

As parents, you want your kids to know that they can always come home, and that you are always there to support and help them.  Anna was the last one we dreamed would come home, but when she came upon some unexpected disruptions to her life plan, our doors opened.  She moved home and immediately obtained a job as an environmental educator for DCNR at Sinnemahoning State Park.  The job was the easy part! Having your 24 year old, spirited, stubborn, extremely independent adult child move back home turned out to be a giant lesson in love, patience, self control, and all of those other "fruits of the spirit" - type traits. The mission, however, was accomplished.  Anna had a soft-ish place to land when life chucked her, and I was able to watch over my baby as she grew through what she went through. Anna was able to spend 8 months with my mum before we brought her to PA, and she was then able to spend an extra 12 months living close to both of her Grandmas - time with them that she will always hold dear. 

And now, it's time for my girl to move forward, just as it's time for us all to move forward from this school year.  This weekend, Anna will move to Harrisburg to start working at Little Buffalo State Park.  She'll have a little more money, her own space, a social life, and a new city to learn to love.  

As for me, I'm a little reluctant to let her go, but it is time, and it is good.  As I hope all of my kids know by now, "you know there's a light that glows by the front door, don't forget the key's under the mat, when childhood stars shine, always stay humble and kind."