A Reason or a Purpose? Finding Meaning During Hard Times.

I have never really accepted the old adage; "everything happens for a reason."  No, I'm not there.  There's an acceptable reason that our friend died from a heart attack, leaving his teenage daughter lost and grieving for years? A reason that a beautiful family was torn apart by an accidental yet catastrophic house fire?  A rational explanation why certain people are afflicted by cancer, Alzheimer's disease, and now, COVID-19?  Almost 22 years ago, my friend's beautiful and talented daughter was killed in a car accident before she really had the chance to begin her life's journey.  That was the day I stopped asking, "why?"  That was the day I stopped believing that things happen for a reason, because, for me, there was no acceptable answer, no possible reason to justify such a thing happening. 

I do, however, believe that we can be determined to find purpose in all of life's experiences.  How is this different?  Well, I think that "reasons" are externally driven.  Something happened to me because...   Finding a purpose is internally driven.  I decide that I am going to take an experience and make it purposeful, make it useful to my life's mission. Determining a purpose, particularly to life's difficulties and tragedies, lands us square in the "personal growth zone."  It is through living purposefully that we grow as humans, that we become more enlightened and self-actualized, and that we can ultimately serve others and assist in their growth. 

I think of living purposefully as being deliberate about my thoughts, my actions, my reactions, my responses, and about the lessons and benefits that I reap from all experiences, whether they are positive or negative.  Living purposefully allows me to determine my own path and helps me to create my own peaceful, and, yes, happy life. 

So, how can I tell if I am living purposefully?  I like to organize my thoughts, so I did some reading, and discovered some truths about purposeful living...

Living purposefully means that we foster strong and meaningful relationships.  I think about how my friendships have evolved as I have grown older.  It's not just about proximity anymore, or convenience.  My friends aren't simply the people I get together with on weekends, or when I need company for a night on the town.  My relationships are deeper now.  I still enjoy my people, I'm entertained by them and, man, can we laugh!  But there's more to it... there's not a person on my real-life friend list that I couldn't count on in a crisis or emergency.  My friendships are strong, deep, and mutual:  mutual love; mutual trust; mutual emotional connection; and we lift each other up.  I consider one of my most important roles in life as that of a friend.

Living purposefully means that we take responsibility.  We take responsibility for our own decisions, for our mistakes, our successes and our failures.  Most importantly, we understand that we, alone, are responsible for our life going in a desirable direction.  We are responsible for our own destiny.  No more playing the blame game.  My dad used to say, "a bad workman always blames his tools."  I think about that all the time.  Responsibility, personal accountability... it's the name of the game. 

Purposeful living means being authentic.  For me, at my advanced age (haha), there is no greater freedom than just being able to be unapologetically me. Remember, I decide, I am deliberate about my choices, my reactions, and responses. I choose those reactions and responses because they most accurately reflect my own values, my goals, and who I am.  That way, there is no discomfort with my choices, and hopefully, no regret.

 Living purposefully means that we prioritize ourselves.  How many more times can we say it?  "You can't pour from an empty cup,"  "put your own oxygen mask on first," "take care of you!"  If we want to help others, if we want to be there for our people, we have to help ourselves first.  No doubt about it, it also feels good to practice self care.  We can't lift others up if we feel drained... When we feel good, it's easier to prioritize others, too. 

Purposeful living means letting go and moving forward.  It's OK to hold on to things if they contribute to our purpose.  However, if it holds you back, let it go!  Seriously, it's OK. There's so little in life that we can control.  We can control that about which we wish to be purposeful; our thoughts, our actions, our responses.  That's about it.  When I was finally able to relinquish control and let go, I could finally move forward.  Again, such freedom!

When we live purposefully, we understand that happiness comes from within.  Happiness is not achieved by attaining the right stuff, or from the perfect romantic relationship, or from academic, financial, or professional "success."  Happiness comes from inside; from living and loving our moments, from our deep connections with others, from gratitude, from using our acquired wisdom to serve and help others, and from taking pleasure in the simple things that we do every day. 

Living purposefully means that we don't need to compete with anyone.  This goes back to seeking deep and meaningful relationships.  It means we can be happy for our own achievements, and also be happy for others when they achieve something that they have worked for, or receive good fortune.  When good things happen to others, or when they achieve some sort of success, it does not mean that we are any less.  Similarly, when good things happen for us, or when we achieve some sort of success, it does not mean that we are any more. If you look at the picture above, you'll notice that the field is beautiful because all the flowers are blooming at the same time.  Think about that for a second.  

We are currently living through unprecedented times.  Did COVID-19, social distancing, lock-down, quarantine - happen for a reason?  Well, in my mind, no.  There's no good reason that hundreds of thousands of people will die from this disease.  There's no good reason that families are separated, that parents have to quarantine themselves away from their children, that the elderly or sick should not have visitors.  There's no meaningful explanation for canceled reunions, weddings, or funeral gatherings.  No, I don't believe that there is a reason for any of this.  I do believe that I can find a purpose from all of this in my own life.  Remember, to develop purpose, I control my thoughts, my actions, my reactions, and my responses.  I see resilience and growth in my adult children, I find new closeness with my husband and my younger daughter, I feel humility when I see the amazing things that my coworkers are doing for their students, I have renewed appreciation for, and inspiration by nature, I feel deep gratefulness to the people on the "front lines," and I am moved beyond measure by the acts of kindness that are happening every day in a million different ways.  I choose to find renewed hope that we will become better, stronger, kinder, and more resilient.  

I hope that you can find a purpose to all of this in your own life.  If you decide to, you can reap the benefits, too.  It's up to you.  

Take care of you.💖