My View from the Top of the World

I guess you could say that I'm famous for supersizing my hikes.  You might also say that I have a tendency to underestimate distances.  Either way, the result is a longer hike than anyone expects... unless you've come to expect it, which - at least - my family has.   I just can't leave well enough alone. One of the problems is that I have long been rewarded, in various ways, for doing more... rounding up the mile... taking in the extra vista...scrambling up the rocks... or, "let's just go to the top of the hill and see..." Recently, we were camping at a state park in Adams County, Pennsylvania.  It's always fun to find new runs in new areas, and I'll usually try to find a route that is quiet and as traffic free as possible.  This particular week, I discovered a trail.  It was just over a mile up a steep hill to the trail. The trail was generally flat, and came out, two miles later, on a gravel road.  With the steep hill, an out and back would have...

The summer before my oldest left for college was filled with excitement and high expectation.  He was so ready... he had done well in high school and had initiated the college application process by himself.  He knew what he wanted to do and couldn't wait to wave goodbye to his small hometown to head to the city.  The World was his oyster!  I was so excited for him that I didn't even cry when I dropped him off... just took him out to Primanti's and headed back up the mountain.  My day of reckoning came over Halloween weekend of that first semester.  I had the brilliant idea to take the girls to see a college women's soccer game and to hang out with their brother.  He told me he had plans, and I non-chalantly told him that was fine, it wouldn't bother me. It bothered me.   That weekend I had to face the reality that my kid was grown, had his own life, and I really didn't belong in the middle of it anymore.  Let me tell you, there was a gr...

I've written many times before about the importance of music in managing my mental health.  Music itself,  as well as song lyrics, have served as the soundtrack of my life for as long as I can remember.  I've used music to help me to celebrate, I listen to it when I need to find serenity, and it has provided me inspiration when I needed to pick myself up off the floor.  There are specific songs and artists that keep me emotionally connected to past experiences, and to important people in my life.  Sometimes a song just gets to me, and I listen to it, analyze it, process it, and mold it in my mind, until it becomes part of that life's soundtrack.  You get to a point in life where you start to consider what your life has meant:  what purpose has my life served?  Has my life been meaningful?  What impact have I had?.. (I could go on...)  Our culture pounds us, relentlessly, to convince us that success equals money, status, and ladder climbi...

  It's my birthday today.  I'm 54.   I love the picture above.  I took it last week after a not-so-good training run.  It's unedited, unfixed.  It shows all the grey hairs, the wrinkles, and the old skin.  It shows how I looked after I was defeated by my own overconfidence.  And yet, it's one of my favorite selfies to date.  I guess I've reached that part of life when birthdays make me feel a little pensive and wistful.  Additionally, the covid year has been particularly difficult for all of us in varying ways.  I feel like this year has aged me considerably, not just my appearance, but my heart and soul as well. As much as I hate to admit it, I've been heard lamenting about looking my age. My middle daughter, who is too emotionally intelligent for her (or my) own good, clapped back at me once, "well, you are your age so it's perfectly fine to look it." (She has a knack for forcing me to look in the mirror and come to terms wi...

  This is for all the mommas.  I feel like the universe has been sending me messages lately.  I didn't really notice at first, but after reading through a certain social media thread, it hit me. If you are a mom, and you feel like your anxiety is through the roof, you are nowhere near alone.   It started with this: This definitely hit a nerve, because this has been me most of my life, but especially since becoming a mom. It is, in fact, why I spent two years in therapy trying to "de-program" myself.   Then, I noticed the commonality as I read down the thread and realized that it was all the moms saying, " THIS IS ME!! "   Next, there was a conversation that I had with the mom of one of my students.  I happen to be talking to this young lady about her worries, and helping her with coping skills.  In discussing our personal experiences, this momma told me, "I was never an anxious person, until I had my daughter. " Another social ...

Well, it's been a year.   I've definitely learned some things along the way... haven't we all?  A full year of our lives... wouldn't want to let it be wasted time.  A lot can be learned in a year.  Here are some of the lessons I've been contemplating, and in no particular order.   Blowing on a cake and then sharing it was never a good idea! And I mean, NEVER!  I used to watch people blowing out those birthday candles with a certain amount of trepidation... now that trepidation has converted to repulsion.  For sure, I've learned a TON about hygiene, and with great results.  Between the distancing, hand washing, and masks, I haven't so much as caught a cold in the past 365 days. Here are some other things that have been moved to the "never gonna happen again" hygiene-no-nos list: hugging people outside of my bubble (and I'm a hugger), traveling without sanitizer, shaking hands (nope nope), buffets (gonna miss you, Hoss's), close-talking....

Most of us have heard about relapse in people who are in recovery from addiction, or from certain diseases.   Relapse is defined as "a deterioration in one's condition after a period of improvement."  Well, as I've recently discovered personally, relapse occurs in our mental health recovery, also.  Quick heads up:  this is going to get personal.   I've realized that you can get a little over confident in your own journey, but then, as always, life has its way of forcing you to stop and take notice.  Often, with relapse, there are warning signs that something is going wrong.  With physical disease, this might be recurrence of symptoms.  In my own depression relapse, I started to notice weeks ago that I was feeling more frustrated and angry, more frequently.  I was also feeling more and more exhausted, where all I wanted to do was curl up under the blankets with only the heating pad and dogs for company.  I noticed these things w...