My Why

There's so much to say today.  Six years ago on Monday, my father suffered a catastrophic stroke.  The stroke happened around 9:30am on Monday, November 4th, 2013.  The night before, I had my last conversation with him.  That conversation was so very normal for a Sunday night.  It was just me and him, as Mum was out and about, he reported with amusement.  On Tuesday, November 5th, 2013, Dad managed really well through PT and OT.  I vividly remember the look he gave us as the therapists insisted he stand up;  it was his last smile.  After therapy, he napped heavily.  He never regained full consciousness.  At 5:45am, on Wednesday November 6th, my dad passed away.  Mum told him that she loved him, but that it was time to go.  I whispered the Lord's Prayer into his ear, and he gently slipped away as we each held one of his hands.

And thus began my journey.  For the next several years, I alternated between submission and a fight for my life. I had always believed that being anxious was just part of my personality, maybe it is?... But after several losses in a row; my dad, two dogs, and my son leaving for college, I found myself spiraling quickly into a state of anxiety so severe that I quite literally thought I had lost my mind.

Grief is a force to be reckoned with - a strong and relentless opponent.  But grief doesn't strike the same way twice, which is why people like me feel so much shame over "not coping well."  My father died.  Even less of a surprise was how he died - I knew from the time he had his first stroke, twelve years prior, that a stroke would take him. It's not as if I lost my partner or, God forbid, my child.  I admit that I felt ashamed of how long it was taking me to "get over" this loss.

It wasn't until I started to get healthy that I was able to begin to pull all the pieces together.  The link between loss, grief, and mental "illness" is so very real. Depression seems fairly obvious, but anxiety?  Well, anxiety is about loss of control.  We have no control over death - if we did, loved ones wouldn't die, would they?  Dad was my person.  When he died, the rug was pulled out from under my life.  Everything that I was sure about was suddenly gone.  Even my mother, the strong, independent, capable, no-nonsense mother that I had always known was gone.  Now I wasn't sure about anything, and the panic began in earnest.

But loss isn't exclusive to death.  We grieve all kinds of losses:  divorce, unemployment, physical illness, mental illness, relocation, empty nest. In fact, all change means a loss of some sort, even happy change:  marriage, new babies, new job,  your kid gets accepted to the dream school. With all change comes loss, and all loss needs to be processed.

"Your wound may not be your fault, but your healing is your responsibility."  It's one of my favorite quotes.  It succinctly states one of the great inequities of life, and it's as true a statement as you will ever hear.  It's not your fault if you get cancer - but you sure as heck are going to step up and do everything you need to do to beat that beast.  It wasn't my fault I broke my leg last year (it sort of was...), but you bet I went to all my appointments and did exactly what I was told to get back to my run asap.  Almost all of us could say we've been victimized by life at some point.  We have no choice but to lay blame aside and take charge of our own recovery.  It's the only way to win ourselves back.

So, it wasn't until I hit bottom that I learned how to rise back up. It was my own battle and I had to find my own path. Unlike the broken leg that we knew exactly how to fix, treatment of, and recovery from mental illness requires some trial and error, and a whole lot of effort.

But listen, emotional wellness is no different from physical health - an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  And, yep, self - care is that ounce of prevention.  Practicing self-care daily, even on the great days, enables us to be well armed with management strategies when things get tough. Self- care is to our emotional health what vaccines, routine physicals, dental check-ups and annual blood work are to our physical health. The good news is, self-care is way more fun, because we get to choose what is the most effective prevention tool for ourselves.

I'll never "get over" losing my dad, and the truth is, I don't really want to...  "You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to." ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. And besides, I no longer feel like I "lost" him:  He lives on in Willie through his love of Pittsburgh and his sense of humor; in Anna, through her work ethic and determination; in Meg, through her genuine care and concern for others. I'm forever changed, and honestly, I like who I became. This is My Why.  What's yours?