I've written before about some people's words just sticking with me. I've thought about this concept non-stop since a cousin mentioned it. She happens to be a cousin who has dealt with more than her fair share of *2020* if you can pick up what I'm laying down, there. 2020 has come with unprecedented tribulation, but, Lord, some people have definitely had it worse than others.
Cousin is a smart and deep thinker, with a unique perspective on life. Additionally, she frequently, and unabashedly, shares that perspective. Recently, she announced that she was rather sick and tired of being expected to be happy all the time, or to be positive, or to have a "positive mindset." When you think about it, there is a ton of pressure to seek happiness and to be positive. Not without good intent - being positive and happy feels great, and beats almost all of the alternatives, hands down.
But the lists... "The Ten Habits of Happy People," "A Step-by Step-Guide to Personal Happiness," "How to Increase Happiness, According to Research." Even better are the lists on the other side of the hill... "The 15 Habits of Really Miserable People..."
It's totally normal to seek happiness. "The Science of Well-Being," a free course offered by Yale, and available through Coursera, is one of the most popular on-line courses ever. And it's a great course, I took it myself. Totally normal, but completely ludicrous to imagine that happiness is a destination, at which we arrive and take up residence.
Happiness is an emotion that we feel at certain times in our lives, hopefully frequently. Happiness is also a state of mind, and a state of existence. It's unreasonable, however, to imagine that you're going to get there and never leave.
So far this school year, I've had an unusually high number of criers in my office. Kids of all ages, grades, and honestly, even some grown-ups. I say unusual, but when you think about it, not unexpected. Everyone thought it was what they wanted - to get back to school and feel some sense of normalcy. But it's not what we thought it would be, and it's definitely not normal. Some of us had become very comfortable getting our work done in our homes with our family near by. Some of our students have spent more quality time with their parents than ever before. We thought we wanted a new-new-normal. We thought getting back to normal would make us happy. Once we got back, some of us realized that we missed the old-new-normal... and still, we're not happy. And then, we feel lost, maybe like we failed because what we thought was going to make us happy, didn't.
So, instead of forcing it, by following the step-by-step directions for how to be happy, I suggest we meet ourselves where we are, and treat ourselves with the same care with which we treat our students, or our children, or our patients...
When I'm talking to someone who is struggling with the sadness and fatigue that is accompanying the transition to this new-new- normal, I'm reminding them, as obvious as it may sound, that change is just hard. We sure are creatures of habit, and we are totally over-attached to our routines. This transition, above everything else, has been exhausting. For a variety of reasons, the complaint I'm hearing most is that people are tired.
When we are this stressed, this overwhelmed, and this exhausted, we have to get down to basics. We can't accomplish things, we can't help others, we can't reach our potential, if basic needs aren't met. So, I'm telling the kids, get good rest, get good food, and play.
Think about how a young animal - a puppy or a kitten - gets through his days. Think about what that young animal needs to do to grow to become healthy and strong... food, rest, play. Then think of these words oft spoken by a wise teacher I once worked with: "We're just animals who drive cars."
Go easy on yourselves and on each other. Happiness is great. Happy days spent with people we love are to be cherished. But happiness is not the ultimate goal. And we shouldn't expect positivity from everyone all of the time. The goal is to live all the moments, the good, the bad and the ugly, and to appreciate those moments for what they are. Indeed to appreciate ourselves for what, for who, and for where we are.
Be kind, and take care of you. 💖
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