It's Non-Negotiable.

 

I dealt with a situation, recently, that really forced me to stop. And think.  It was one of those moments that could have got the better of me had I allowed it to.  I was actually proud of myself, because, in this instance, I intentionally decided how I was going to frame the problem in my mind.  I decided to make it work in my own favor.  

I don't mean to be cagey and vague.  Suffice it to say that I was forced to reckon with an old friend's priorities, and their priority wasn't me.  And, of course, none of it is a simple as it sounds, but when you reach out to reconnect with a human, and they do not appear to want to reconnect, it can send a little shock wave through you, as it did for me.  Once I recovered from the initial shock, I decided to release myself from the guilt I had personally experienced for allowing the friendship to lapse.  And - now this is important - I decided that it was a good thing for me to know where I stand with someone.  It's OK for me to not be on their priority list.  They are allowed to have their own priority list, and I may not be on it.  And better that I know it, so that I can free myself from the constraints of tension and negativity, and go forward. 

In the meantime, there was a bit of shaking my head in disbelief at our differences in priorities.  That's when I started thinking about my non-negotiables.  Our non-negotiables are those parts of our lives on which we are not willing to compromise.  Non-negotiables define what we are, and what we are not willing to accept from and for ourselves, and from and for others.  These are the promises we make to ourselves and our people. Many of us are familiar with non-negotiables in business and legal contracts.  Determining our life's non-negotiables helps us to live intellectually wiser, emotionally stronger, and spiritually more peaceful lives.  It's important to understand, though, that non-negotiables are different for everyone. It's whatever is not negotiable for you.  We have to be willing to meet others where they are and understand that their needs need to be met differently. 

My first non-negotiable is relationships.  For a long time now, I've hung my hat on my social roles in life; wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend... I'm not close to perfect, but human connections, to me, are the be all and end all.  If my kids invite me to do something, you bet I'm going to do it, because gracious, my kid invited me to do something! Love, peace, kindness, connectedness:  the very base of the pyramid. 

My second non-negotiable is mindfulness.  Being mindful helped me overcome debilitating anxiety.  For me, this is "loving what is" (a book by Byron Katie, that I have referenced before). Mindfulness is living and loving all the moments. In fact, it's connected to the relationships, because if I am not living in the moment, I'm missing out on moments with my people.  Mindfulness helps us to stop worrying about the past and the future, because we are way too busy enjoying the right now.  Doing battle with what is going on right now leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life.  (By the way, journaling and photography helped me to become habitual about mindfulness.  I spent hours journaling, focusing on what I could love and enjoy about that day, and on the realities I was hopelessly fighting with.  While I'm out on a run or a hike, I'm searching for beauty to photograph, rather than searching my mind for problems.)

Speaking of running and hiking, nature is a non-negotiable for me.  I feel complete physical and spiritual peace when I am able to spend time outside regularly.  Example:  A few nights ago, I was watching that disaster of a presidential debate.  My living room, and thus, my mind, was filled with the sound of angry voices.  I managed about twenty minutes and then decided to go to bed.  It was raining that evening, and we have a new(ish) metal roof.  The sound of the rain on the roof in my bedroom brought me instant calm and peace.  Instant!! What a difference in input for my brain!  Skies, mountains, forests, meadows, wild beaches... nature appeals to all kinds of human needs for physical, emotional, and spiritual space.  Give it a try, and tune in to how your body and mind feel when you head outside and disconnect. 

Finally (for this round, lucky for you), I have selected a non-negotiable-in-progress.  That is, promoting mental health awareness.  Honestly, this is difficult to do.  It's the stigma. Just the other day I was completing a health history form, and there was that question:  Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental health condition? (First of all, that language is all kinds of wrong, but whatever, it's the language we use.  For now.)  I stared at the question and my hand was itching to check the "no" box.  I contemplated and contemplated, and finally forced myself to check the "yes" box.  And then, of course, I had to name it.  But honestly, it's so important.  It took me so long to get help because of that stigma.  I could have rescued a lot of years.  So, it has become non-negotiable for me to share and be open about my own struggles so that I can help guide others out of the dark.

It is important to me to be intentional and diligent with regards to these promises that I have made to myself, because it means that I become a better me;  a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend. In the end, it all comes full circle. 

Stay safe, be well, and take care of you. 💖